i'm sitting in gallery 209 as we speak. trying to write my artist statement (or revise it i should say) and am coming to the realization that this is finally happening. these past few months have been nothing but tears, sweat, mixing and paint. and now, to see my paintings, new and old hanging on the white walls...it's weird. what artist is always happy with their art? you see problem areas, things you should've fixed, but in the end everyone is their own worst critic. and taking what charlie said about my bastard of a super ego, i'm trying to tell mine to please just let up a little.
i decided to put in old work from last year. much to my discontent, since i was set on having only new work. but as soon as i got the artwork on the wall, there was something missing. enter the big billboard aka dad in the hospital bed. yeah, didn't think i'd see that thing until i had to pack it in the uhaul. but alas, there it is. i see so many flaws, so many different things that i missed. but there are also some real gems in that painting that i am proud of (the oxygen mask, the neckbrace).and i thought it wouldn't relate and it does actually. it's the everyday struggle, the relentless pull, the constant reminder that our bodies age and deteriorate.
looking at my new new paintings next to my old, i realize i'm a different painter than i was last year. i blend more, pay attention to details, and really enjoy painting reflective surfaces. some of my weaknesses would probably getting flesh tones correct and also value. how i've gotten through 5 years of college and not understood value, psh no clue. but that's the nice thing about this show is just knowing that this is the beginning. i don't have to be the best, or perfect, there is time to develop and it's waiting for me as soon as i'm done with stout.
lately i've been wondering what happened in the past few years to change my painting. no, i do not have a style as of yet, but it's on the verge i feel. as i learn more about planes and value, i hope i continue to grow. charlie told me the other day that these new paintings may not be your best paintings but that's okay. he's right, but that's hard to admit. i know that these aren't my strongest pieces, but there's something happening there.
i'm writing this, so i don't forget. forget how these past months of agony (picking this major was my decision might i add) and this day of seeing my work next to two other amazing artists is real. soemtimes (okay a lot of times) i bitch and complain and not sure if i can make it, but as soon as it's over i realize that time i did really enjoy and take away something. i'm still processing all of this so, so it will take some time. but i'm glad the finish line is in plain sight.